This is, indeed, a great premise…to be true to one’s self and operate out of one’s core vision…in life and in one’s work.  However, there are two important assumptions that this guidance is predicated upon—that is, two considerations that are prerequisites to following the prescribed tactics: (1) You have to be willing to face the consequence of loss in order to follow through with your core vision; and (2) you have to feel connected to the work you do in the first place.  I have engaged and tried to follow such tactics in the past several months to try and connect with my daily existence; however, I have come to realize a confirmation of what I’ve known all along—the struggles against procrastination, fear, wanting to operate out of core vision, leading according to my personal principles—all these things are irrelevant for me because I am not living my intended life, but rather a shadow life.

The shadow life is the most insidious of things—a life that is almost the life that you are supposed to live, but ultimately isn’t—and I am realizing that I am, at this age and place in life, nearly alone when it comes to shared understanding of this concept among family and friends.  Life and work have become stifling, even though I am more engaged now than I have been in a long time.  But I am only engaged for the sake of my ethical grounding—that I shouldn’t exploit the people paying me to do a job just because I am feeling discontentment.  However, when it comes to the completion of my academic work, my capstone manuscript, I am blocked—mostly because I feel like I JUST DON’T WANT TO ENGAGE YET ANOTHER SOURCE OF EXTERNAL VALIDATION telling me that I am qualified to do something—I’ve been QUALIFIED to be ME all my life.  I have certainly gained much through my professional and academic pathways—but the sad truth is that if I hadn’t pursued any of this, I would have done just fine pursuing my intended life, my core life—and perhaps my academics would have been better attuned to the needs of my core life.

In any case, I think I am reaching the end of this path of trying to live with one foot in each world—money, security, avoidance of discomfort—none of these things mean much anymore relative to the prospect of losing my life to years of this shadow living and coming to life’s end without having really lived.  I’m not sure when or how, but I am certain that this transition is going to necessarily involve ripping off the bandaid as opposed to some imagined slow and comfortable path.  I don’t think such things are ever promised us—and this path of living without compromising one’s core self…it begs the question: what are you willing to lose in order to gain your true self?