The way things are now…it’s like a scab forming over a wound…initially, the scab provides comfort from the raw sensation of the exposed wound. But before long the scab begins to irritate and itch and it becomes clear that the scab was a temporary mechanism…it has to come away before the wound can fully heal. This is where I am now…feeling the irritation of a scab that must come away before I can be fully healed…before I can fully manifest.

I’ve meditated on this state of things for some time. I’ve tried to see things in a different way…so that this feeling I have can be explained away as fear or dejection or succumbing to Resistance. Resistance is there, to be sure, every day and nearly every moment of each day. However, this recent, persistent clarity rises above these states and always returns to me with the refrain: you’re stuck, unchanging…it isn’t so much clarity as it is a hyper-awareness…distractions have less of a hold each passing day…even in my deterministic procrastination or self-sabotage, I am fully aware of what I am doing.

In recent months I have projected this frustration with being stuck on to those closest to me…expressing my dissatisfaction with where they may be along their own journeys. Scrutinizing and criticizing…while I remain mired in the same stagnation. This is a nightmare within a nightmare…thinking I have awoken from a long and fitful sleep, relieved to see that I am not where I once was, but then awakening further to realize that I am also not where I need to be.

I’ve been playing at consciousness and have made the process of preparation into a shadow life of its own…time passes, I am still an amateur and others take up the banner and move into this work every day…regardless of the level at which they operate, they are nevertheless doing the work. I am doing nothing…lamenting my shadow life, but doing nothing…sacrificing nothing…to even try to live my intended, real life.

I awoke to this recently and realized…False Self has taken the form of the very work I seek to do…Resistance has shaped this work into the form of a protected space…a self-validating secret that I hold onto with clenched fists while lashing out at the world that I have created…a world that does not accept nor acknowledge the “real me”. It is an incredibly intricate web that False Personality has created…I am so lost in lamenting the world, that I have created, not seeing me for who I am…that I fail to realize that it is entirely up to me to change the framework of my existence and just BE the person I intend to be.

Fears about survival and discomfort and making it through abound…but, again, this is a False Personality illusion…in reality, there is fear and apprehension and doubt NOW, while I am in the midst of the shadow life. So, this may be a turning point. False Self is becoming less effective at convincing me that the shadow life is a safe space.

But this is the challenge…the real struggle…the fight that will expose the blood and bones…I have to change this life that I have created and accept the LOSS and SACRIFICE that will come with that change. Everything I now know will change…but I realize that as soon as I exit the world of scholars and administrators and innovators and leaders…I will find myself in a space in which my work stands alone and is judged only by human beings as relevant or not. That is who I want to communicate to…human beings…stripped of their social facades of False personality…that is, I want my work to reach into that space in every individual’s life…somewhere beyond the socially constructed reality. It is time not only to cut to the bone when it comes to living the life I want to live, but also to expose the bare essence of my work and stop trying to make it fit molds it was never meant to fit.

I worked yesterday with a man who was working through his recovery from multiple addictions…in that space, in that moment, I was where I should have always been. But I realized after the session was through that I had to return to management and professional structures that I deem unnecessary and also counterproductive to helping this man and others like him. The world thinks it needs these structures so that people can broadly mobilize and help the suffering masses quivering in the corner. But this is not how things actually play out…professionals become so engrossed in maintaining those management structures that they become obsessed with doing so and lose sight of the forest for the trees—the people they are supposed to be helping are overshadowed by the need to manage and maintain the mechanisms in place to help those people. It is a subtle distinction—unless you have a level of awareness in the midst of this kind of professional space—then the problem is a glaring one.

The only thing that meant anything to me through my experience with this most recent client was when he simply said, “I came in here not sure if I could do this. You helped me to see that I could. But you also helped me to see the things I couldn’t see that would have made me fail.” And that is the essence of my purpose in this life…whether in my current existence or in my desired state…to help people identify what is wrong, what could be right, and the scope of the chasm between the two.

Each day I’m reminded of how little the vehicles of true social service are utilized in the professional positions I have maintained…money, power and authority trump all else. It’s amazing how human beings can create kingdoms out of the smallest spaces and then bare their teeth to protect these spaces. So, now it’s time to consider massive change and try and fathom just how close to the line that divides survival from death I can get.

Why is such a shift necessary? I ask myself that question all the time. Be happy, I tell myself…you have a good opportunity in public health and education to work toward helping at-risk populations break the habits that lead to negative health and life consequences. You have been trained in social science disciplines to do this work. What’s the problem? Well, while both the above assertions are true, they are also the makings of the shadow life. I haven’t yet hit my mark. These experiences will certainly contribute to the expression of my real work, especially the professionalism with which I approach my current work—always evidence-based and person-centered—but, again, my current work is not addressing the core human issues I would like to address.

Overcoming addiction, pursuing educational attainment, living a healthy life, balancing work/life pressures—all of these areas in which I have worked professionally are necessary and employ sound developmental approaches. However, none of these approaches addresses the core human issues that underlie the manifested problems in people’s lives. The main issue I would like to address through my work—whether writing or therapy—is the lack of awareness, the waking sleep state in which people live their lives. The awareness of Real Self beyond the False Personality, which is an amalgam of all the social inputs that people receive from birth, is the key to beginning the work to help people self-actualize and become the intended versions of themselves.

There is no professional space along the continuum I’ve traveled that really affords me the opportunity to pursue this pathway in a socially validated way. I’ve become used to working for others, earning a living to support a standard of life that is ultimately meaningless to me if I am unable to engage the work I feel called to do. But I’m afraid to stand on my own and embrace that calling—mostly because I have become so accustomed to being validated by academic institutions, professional positions and organizations, disciplinary guidelines or just the existing research literature surrounding a particular concept or way of doing. I have grown dependent on others to validate my existence and purpose—and sadly, this has never really worked, yet I try and continue to seek that validation.

However, this way of thinking did not begin with my professional life—it began when I was much younger and familial culture intruded on my dreams and joyful expression of self and creativity—everything I valued was reflected to me as being frivolous pursuit—“get your head out of the clouds”…”stop being such a dreamer”…”you’ll understand once you’re in the real world”…refrain upon refrain that has essentially echoed throughout my life…coming from the mouths of family, friends, colleagues, mentors…I have not yet met one person that has just said to me, “forget all those fears that are holding you back…your life is unfulfilled along the path you’re on now and the stability of that life and the lives of your family are no more secure on this path than on that unknown path your heart yearns for…”

No…no one has yet said that to me. But I know it. In my blood, I know it. I have said it to myself. And perhaps it has come time for me to hear that self-expression. I still look to others to validate even the strength of feeling I have toward my intended work—I’ve made even my closest partners in consciousness work into shadow life experiences. The reality is that preparation continues to move along…but nothing has actually happened…nothing has changed. How much longer am I going to maintain this half-hearted existence in which I spend the majority of my time in a shadow existence, with bits and pieces of effort made toward my intended life that continues to move further away in infinite regress—there will always be something to do before I can move toward fully doing what I want to do…