The inaugural Conscious Collectives Podcast…

A discussion with behavioral analyst Syraj Syed, Ph.D., on the nature of narrative therapy in practice and where this method fits into the space of whole person care.

https://youtu.be/n-fddfG2Apc

One aspect of my trying to understand the causality of my path to the present is the question of why I didn’t operate on my instinct some 18 years ago…that is, what is it about my identifications that broke that instinctual progress?  I was on a similar path through age 25 as I have been on since age 32…seven years on a detour of co-dependency, succumbing to the absolutism of fundamentalism and then trying to dig out of a terrible hole of insecurity aside, why did I CHOOSE the path I did?  My answer is so relevant to this moment of transition…it is because I lacked the courage to walk a different path from the safe, the known and the approved that had been the point of social indoctrination since childhood.

I have lacked the courage to act on my own instinct, but am able to build courage in others…because from a very early age my self-confidence was undermined…my core essence, because of the lack of understanding of those around me…has been consistently perceived as alien…my desire to leave this present life context isn’t just about a job or social station…it is about leaving this mentality… the Takers, in whose world I now reside, may actually be the last to embrace a new consciousness…it is their inertia, the one I’ve grown up around all my life, that has made me feel like a stranger in a foreign land.

What is that human force that can empower or discourage?  That force develops out of the human need to belong and be social approved or accepted.  While growing up everyone around me thought that my desired path was strange or dangerous…as a young boy that constant lack of affirmation crept into my mind to create a reality in which I was incapable of success in a world I never really wanted to participate in…what an incredible perspective to have.

However, we can’t assign value to that force as being positive or negative…the social nature of humanity is the wellspring from which that force originates…community can produce so much, but the control of community and the false identifications created by the agents of that control make that force a terrible burden…trapping people in a dynamic that never ends. People pursue more and more material gain that ultimately amounts to nothing tangible relative to their personal fulfillment.  However, that force can also be used to help people see the reality of their core selves…so, consciousness work becomes a matter of how to use that force most effectively…how best to harness the power of human connection.

The Taker mind is one of total attachment to the material and impermanent…they don’t want to let that go, even at the cost of their lives…so they defend that space…even against a child who questions its validity.  The choice to work toward consciousness expansion is so natural for many…it can be this way for our own children as well, unless they too are indoctrinated against their own instincts like we were.

It is not that I want to avoid material possession or gain in this life…I just want to live in a way such that possession doesn’t yield attachment, nor does the thought of potential gain yield desire…in any context.  Use what you have…secure what you need to do the WORK you’re committed to doing.  Possess enough to function in the way your work requires, but not so much that you become complacent, comfortable, distracted or disconnected from Real Self.  However, the idea of “just enough” is different for everyone…so much of this is subjective consideration…the objectively identified needs for survival and security can be the more clearly defined, but beyond these desire comes into play.  And then, what really does it mean to be “secure”?  So, there is still the issue of contending with a moral scale that can distinguish between needs and wants.

Giving energy is preferable to taking it.  But the type of energy you give is also an important distinction to make.  Relative to an ongoing, difficult relationship with a co-worker, a friend recently told me that I may be giving off the “vibes” that cause her to respond to me in the aggressive and defensive manner she exhibits. He may be right. I may be “giving off vibes” that cause her to respond to and perceive me as “other” or “enemy”, even if only subconsciously.  I have likely only released negative energy to her…sourced from a deep, egotistical resentment of her very existence in my life.  I think this moment with her as a part of my present life is a test I have given myself…a test I have failed through all the preceding instances of engaging this type of person.  Until I can work out how to remain in a balanced state while engaging a person like this, who has so much negative, taking, insecure energy…I won’t be able to progress on my path.

My task is to find the path to transcend this space I share with the Takers…otherwise, I don’t think I will be able to really help people in my work…most of whom will have been defined by or will identify with Taker mentality.  My co-worker believes she gains strength, life energy, by dominating others…making them feel insecure or afraid.  This helps her to matter.  She takes from others using fear as a motivator to comply…it is my task to transcend that fear (based in the threat that she controls my livelihood in the form of this job…one that she can potentially damage on a whim) by giving to her willingly.  Giving my energy without grudge or resentment…giving to her genuinely to try and reach that basic human core within her.  My power is based in giving, not taking…but I have to clearly identify the source of that giving energy so that I am not depleted when engaging takers.  My co-worker may have great purpose, but she doesn’t see this potential because she can’t see beyond her insecurity that drives her to dominate others to feel stronger about herself.

I spent the past twenty years working and developing toward what I thought was a correct expression of my Self and my dreams. In the recent few years, after a series of very life-jarring events, I began to see a new perspective: the life I’m now living is a shadow life…it is almost the life that I want to live, but not quite.

I traced this back farther and realized that from early on in my youth, given my need to be validated by others, I took everything that I was either good at or valued and squeezed it into a framework that was already socially validated. Like to write? Go into communications. Like to work with people? Go into education.

Now, I do value the skills, theory and methods I’ve gained and put into practice thus far…but the application of my work in education and public health is frankly not what I want to continue doing. The recent life events and the new awareness gained as a result have basically lit the fire under my ass to move forward and create the life I want to live.

The half-assing part of it is this: I have never really (aside from when I either teach or work with students or work with clients in substance abuse prevention) been a hundred percent into my work…and that is because I am not working out of my own vision, but for someone else…primarily the ivory tower by which I am employed.

What I’ve been working toward now is two-fold: (1) to go into development work for individuals and organizations on my own on a consultancy basis; and (2) to write in my own way and publish via the outlets I want for the social jurisdiction (as opposed to the academic work I’ve been doing for years—which frankly doesn’t make the impact I want it to make through the professional jurisdiction).

What I’m afraid of is: (1) not working for an established place like a university and (2) being afraid that the version of myself that I value the most will fail. However, not embracing that self and pursuing the life I want is going to kill me slowly. I find it hard to be the guy who goes into work every day and sit at my desk…I really don’t work well on that schedule. I’m also afraid that taking this kind of step at this age when we are financially committed to so many different things in life, etc…well…that could all change in a number of ways too. The best thing is that my partner thinks this way…she is frankly one of only two or three people in my entire life that don’t think this is either crazy or just Syraj with his “head in the clouds”.

I wish I had had the courage to just tell the people around me to fuck off after college and taken the necessary risks then when it was best to do so.  But that is not really relevant, is it?

…those thoughts you would readily project onto someone else…the diagnosis you would levy on the other that most certainly has applications in your own life.  Study this…and reflect on the correlations…

He is correct…I don’t need the validation…but his path is flawed…beyond individuality and distinction…his ideas trend dangerously close to the path of the guru that engages devotees without valid approach.

He has come to loath validation, but gaining approval for false personality identifications is vastly different from validating ideas and methods.

Again, the path forward needs to be traversed in solitude.

The way things are now…it’s like a scab forming over a wound…initially, the scab provides comfort from the raw sensation of the exposed wound. But before long the scab begins to irritate and itch and it becomes clear that the scab was a temporary mechanism…it has to come away before the wound can fully heal. This is where I am now…feeling the irritation of a scab that must come away before I can be fully healed…before I can fully manifest.

I’ve meditated on this state of things for some time. I’ve tried to see things in a different way…so that this feeling I have can be explained away as fear or dejection or succumbing to Resistance. Resistance is there, to be sure, every day and nearly every moment of each day. However, this recent, persistent clarity rises above these states and always returns to me with the refrain: you’re stuck, unchanging…it isn’t so much clarity as it is a hyper-awareness…distractions have less of a hold each passing day…even in my deterministic procrastination or self-sabotage, I am fully aware of what I am doing.

In recent months I have projected this frustration with being stuck on to those closest to me…expressing my dissatisfaction with where they may be along their own journeys. Scrutinizing and criticizing…while I remain mired in the same stagnation. This is a nightmare within a nightmare…thinking I have awoken from a long and fitful sleep, relieved to see that I am not where I once was, but then awakening further to realize that I am also not where I need to be.

I’ve been playing at consciousness and have made the process of preparation into a shadow life of its own…time passes, I am still an amateur and others take up the banner and move into this work every day…regardless of the level at which they operate, they are nevertheless doing the work. I am doing nothing…lamenting my shadow life, but doing nothing…sacrificing nothing…to even try to live my intended, real life.

I awoke to this recently and realized…False Self has taken the form of the very work I seek to do…Resistance has shaped this work into the form of a protected space…a self-validating secret that I hold onto with clenched fists while lashing out at the world that I have created…a world that does not accept nor acknowledge the “real me”. It is an incredibly intricate web that False Personality has created…I am so lost in lamenting the world, that I have created, not seeing me for who I am…that I fail to realize that it is entirely up to me to change the framework of my existence and just BE the person I intend to be.

Fears about survival and discomfort and making it through abound…but, again, this is a False Personality illusion…in reality, there is fear and apprehension and doubt NOW, while I am in the midst of the shadow life. So, this may be a turning point. False Self is becoming less effective at convincing me that the shadow life is a safe space.

But this is the challenge…the real struggle…the fight that will expose the blood and bones…I have to change this life that I have created and accept the LOSS and SACRIFICE that will come with that change. Everything I now know will change…but I realize that as soon as I exit the world of scholars and administrators and innovators and leaders…I will find myself in a space in which my work stands alone and is judged only by human beings as relevant or not. That is who I want to communicate to…human beings…stripped of their social facades of False personality…that is, I want my work to reach into that space in every individual’s life…somewhere beyond the socially constructed reality. It is time not only to cut to the bone when it comes to living the life I want to live, but also to expose the bare essence of my work and stop trying to make it fit molds it was never meant to fit.

I worked yesterday with a man who was working through his recovery from multiple addictions…in that space, in that moment, I was where I should have always been. But I realized after the session was through that I had to return to management and professional structures that I deem unnecessary and also counterproductive to helping this man and others like him. The world thinks it needs these structures so that people can broadly mobilize and help the suffering masses quivering in the corner. But this is not how things actually play out…professionals become so engrossed in maintaining those management structures that they become obsessed with doing so and lose sight of the forest for the trees—the people they are supposed to be helping are overshadowed by the need to manage and maintain the mechanisms in place to help those people. It is a subtle distinction—unless you have a level of awareness in the midst of this kind of professional space—then the problem is a glaring one.

The only thing that meant anything to me through my experience with this most recent client was when he simply said, “I came in here not sure if I could do this. You helped me to see that I could. But you also helped me to see the things I couldn’t see that would have made me fail.” And that is the essence of my purpose in this life…whether in my current existence or in my desired state…to help people identify what is wrong, what could be right, and the scope of the chasm between the two.

Each day I’m reminded of how little the vehicles of true social service are utilized in the professional positions I have maintained…money, power and authority trump all else. It’s amazing how human beings can create kingdoms out of the smallest spaces and then bare their teeth to protect these spaces. So, now it’s time to consider massive change and try and fathom just how close to the line that divides survival from death I can get.

Why is such a shift necessary? I ask myself that question all the time. Be happy, I tell myself…you have a good opportunity in public health and education to work toward helping at-risk populations break the habits that lead to negative health and life consequences. You have been trained in social science disciplines to do this work. What’s the problem? Well, while both the above assertions are true, they are also the makings of the shadow life. I haven’t yet hit my mark. These experiences will certainly contribute to the expression of my real work, especially the professionalism with which I approach my current work—always evidence-based and person-centered—but, again, my current work is not addressing the core human issues I would like to address.

Overcoming addiction, pursuing educational attainment, living a healthy life, balancing work/life pressures—all of these areas in which I have worked professionally are necessary and employ sound developmental approaches. However, none of these approaches addresses the core human issues that underlie the manifested problems in people’s lives. The main issue I would like to address through my work—whether writing or therapy—is the lack of awareness, the waking sleep state in which people live their lives. The awareness of Real Self beyond the False Personality, which is an amalgam of all the social inputs that people receive from birth, is the key to beginning the work to help people self-actualize and become the intended versions of themselves.

There is no professional space along the continuum I’ve traveled that really affords me the opportunity to pursue this pathway in a socially validated way. I’ve become used to working for others, earning a living to support a standard of life that is ultimately meaningless to me if I am unable to engage the work I feel called to do. But I’m afraid to stand on my own and embrace that calling—mostly because I have become so accustomed to being validated by academic institutions, professional positions and organizations, disciplinary guidelines or just the existing research literature surrounding a particular concept or way of doing. I have grown dependent on others to validate my existence and purpose—and sadly, this has never really worked, yet I try and continue to seek that validation.

However, this way of thinking did not begin with my professional life—it began when I was much younger and familial culture intruded on my dreams and joyful expression of self and creativity—everything I valued was reflected to me as being frivolous pursuit—“get your head out of the clouds”…”stop being such a dreamer”…”you’ll understand once you’re in the real world”…refrain upon refrain that has essentially echoed throughout my life…coming from the mouths of family, friends, colleagues, mentors…I have not yet met one person that has just said to me, “forget all those fears that are holding you back…your life is unfulfilled along the path you’re on now and the stability of that life and the lives of your family are no more secure on this path than on that unknown path your heart yearns for…”

No…no one has yet said that to me. But I know it. In my blood, I know it. I have said it to myself. And perhaps it has come time for me to hear that self-expression. I still look to others to validate even the strength of feeling I have toward my intended work—I’ve made even my closest partners in consciousness work into shadow life experiences. The reality is that preparation continues to move along…but nothing has actually happened…nothing has changed. How much longer am I going to maintain this half-hearted existence in which I spend the majority of my time in a shadow existence, with bits and pieces of effort made toward my intended life that continues to move further away in infinite regress—there will always be something to do before I can move toward fully doing what I want to do…

Higher education…higher learning…the more you accumulate, the more it can become a burden.
What will I do with this vast knowledge?
The more I know, the more I realize there is to know.
Can I put all this gain to appropriate use?
The further you pursue the academic, the harder it becomes to have it pay off.
Onward down the path of educational attainment, slowly becoming aware of your life never started.

This is, indeed, a great premise…to be true to one’s self and operate out of one’s core vision…in life and in one’s work.  However, there are two important assumptions that this guidance is predicated upon—that is, two considerations that are prerequisites to following the prescribed tactics: (1) You have to be willing to face the consequence of loss in order to follow through with your core vision; and (2) you have to feel connected to the work you do in the first place.  I have engaged and tried to follow such tactics in the past several months to try and connect with my daily existence; however, I have come to realize a confirmation of what I’ve known all along—the struggles against procrastination, fear, wanting to operate out of core vision, leading according to my personal principles—all these things are irrelevant for me because I am not living my intended life, but rather a shadow life.

The shadow life is the most insidious of things—a life that is almost the life that you are supposed to live, but ultimately isn’t—and I am realizing that I am, at this age and place in life, nearly alone when it comes to shared understanding of this concept among family and friends.  Life and work have become stifling, even though I am more engaged now than I have been in a long time.  But I am only engaged for the sake of my ethical grounding—that I shouldn’t exploit the people paying me to do a job just because I am feeling discontentment.  However, when it comes to the completion of my academic work, my capstone manuscript, I am blocked—mostly because I feel like I JUST DON’T WANT TO ENGAGE YET ANOTHER SOURCE OF EXTERNAL VALIDATION telling me that I am qualified to do something—I’ve been QUALIFIED to be ME all my life.  I have certainly gained much through my professional and academic pathways—but the sad truth is that if I hadn’t pursued any of this, I would have done just fine pursuing my intended life, my core life—and perhaps my academics would have been better attuned to the needs of my core life.

In any case, I think I am reaching the end of this path of trying to live with one foot in each world—money, security, avoidance of discomfort—none of these things mean much anymore relative to the prospect of losing my life to years of this shadow living and coming to life’s end without having really lived.  I’m not sure when or how, but I am certain that this transition is going to necessarily involve ripping off the bandaid as opposed to some imagined slow and comfortable path.  I don’t think such things are ever promised us—and this path of living without compromising one’s core self…it begs the question: what are you willing to lose in order to gain your true self?

He was going to kill himself when he realized he hadn’t written a suicide note. So he started the note, but nothing came…he couldn’t find the right words to speak his mind to all the right people. He smiled at the sight of yet another blank page and soon passing out till morning…

I wanted to let the world go
I wanted to transcend the suffering of being
Bound to the wheel of death and rebirth
But I fear losing the acceptance
I need from the world around me
That sense of belonging so easily
Taken for granted
I realized my self
A dabbler in all things esoteric
With one hand holding fast
The mask I’m afraid to remove.

A friend lost her husband…she had given herself over to an idea of who she thought she was, rather than a true knowledge of self…she had also frozen herself in time and not let herself grow…we talked about this paradigm shift in her life…how it has impacted me as well…and the road ahead. I shared that my life had also been existentially dubious and that the doors of perception had been opened to me as I spoke to her husband during his last days. He really wanted to keep living…regretting not being able to do the things he had not yet even thought of…and I marveled at this and began to dwell on all the things I have done to date…and I found a nagging, relentless…something.

I’ve had a difficult time…in finding my bliss…not having the courage to do what I knew I should, regardless of how that went against the tides of socialization that broke against my fragile consciousness since I was a young boy being conditioned to follow paths not my own.

I tried the traditional academic pathway for a while, but found that the things I had romanticized about scholarship…they weren’t really what I had imagined. There was no clear statement of greater intellectual good…no overarching technocratic revolution to which we all aspired…

Then I read Faulkner recently: “The writer’s only responsibility is to his art. He will be completely ruthless if he is a good one. He has a dream. It anguishes him so much he must get rid of it. He has no peace until then. Everything goes by the board: honor, pride, decency, security, happiness, all, to get the book written.” That’s when it all consolidated…such clarity…I’ve spent too much time complaining about aspirations others value and have strived for…but I don’t value them…it’s as though I wore someone else’s well-made suit and wore it ragged…and then threw it back at them saying it never really fit me that well…

This is what I’ve been trying to work out and communicate in recent months…it’s all well and good, but I’ve tried too long (as qualitative methodologists tend to do) to analyze the themes in what others are saying and then try to build a unified theory out of these concepts…but in this case, it wasn’t a theory…it was my life. I’ve been an observer so long that I think I forgot how to listen to my own driving impulse…but it has always been there.

Until now, I’ve put in a lot of time and work to help serve at-risk and underserved populations…lending voice to those that don’t know how to communicate their own contexts or don’t have the necessary tools to articulate their indignation…but it has all been like trying to run with one hand tied behind my back…never quite flowing in the way I knew it could. There is also the issue of communicating to the professional domain versus the social domain. I realize, even in my academic work, I have always been a populist…that is, I have never much cared about solidifying identity among my peers…instead, I wanted to have my work make a difference in tangible and measurable ways…but that’s not the end game I have found within the academy.

So, I look at my son and see my best and my worst…my inquiry and my anger…and there is an ocean of possibility before him…I see him stand at a shore line and stare out at the horizon as I once did…and I know that I can’t really guide him well just yet…it would be disingenuous…as I have not yet grasped my own life by the balls. I’ve come to really value self-knowledge…that which enables the individual to take wild risks…I’ve lived my life thus far with what many might call great confidence…but it’s an act…I’ve always been good at lying…to the world and to myself…never really baring my soul…fearless in exposing life’s complexity…on the most intrapersonal and cosmological levels simultaneously…