So, what you both experienced had a more profound impact on me than you may know…and along with two other life-changing events—in and around my life—I began a deeply reflexive season that resulted in a re-evaluation of everything I’ve done, what I have become and why.

I realize I’ve structured and crafted my life based on externally validated concepts—ideas about who I should be and what I should aspire to that originated outside my consciousness. Everything I ever wanted to be and was in the process of becoming died when I was 25—and now a new awareness that these lives we live are not what I thought they would be and the value in these passing moments is greater than I thought.

So, I’m consolidating all the small decisions that I’ve been making over time that resulted in the professional pathways I’ve been on, the delays in completing my doctoral program and several other defining characteristics—consolidating all of this into a singular focus to keep the good (methods, knowledge, skill-sets, pedagogy and a focus on the human condition) and leave the extraneous and embrace what I’ve long wanted—expression on my own terms.

I’ve been writing, independent of my nearly finished dissertation, for some time now and am going to pursue that as a professional pathway, in addition to my personal path, into the future—and if it flops, then at least I’ll know I did the one thing I’ve been avoiding for the past two decades. Between myself, my family and my calling—I just want to live toward a possibly unattainable goal of being able to say I did what I was meant to do before I make my exit.

A new life seen just ahead…
The old pains have faded, but not enough to forget.
I found “me” hiding and coaxed myself out of the corner,
Because the fear…I have let it go…slowly.
There is new air to breathe. There is new strength in my feet…
I’m planning the journey now,
But I’m free to have no plans at all…

I lay in bed massaging my temples
My fingers found my orbital bones and traced their outline
This is my skull that contains my mind, my whole self
One day it will be empty
An anonymous relic of the human condition
How fragile my existence
How terrible and wonderful the humor of the gods.

There is always the feeling…always before the process begins.  He wants to avoid all of it…not just the person, but the space itself, the sights and sounds of it.  There is a sickness here…a sickness that exists everywhere…but in this place it is concentrated and he can feel the weight of it settling upon the entire area.  His own steps are heavy…his breathing labored.  This is nothing he wants to do…his mind screams, commandimg him to turn and flee in any other direction…but there is a different sort of resolve within him…an understanding, perhaps a conscious awarness, that there is, in fact, no other place he can be but here.  As he approaches the door, slowly and with measured steps, he acknowledges the door as yet another portal that will change him…yet again transform him…because each time he engages this process he takes something away from it that makes him different than he was prior.  There is always something left behind…it isn’t a clean process…but it is his method…and it is his gift of enduring that makes it possible.  This is the work of the sineater…a shamanic being that exists to bring balance…balance between the pain, fear and uncertainty caused by socially constructed realities and the awareness of what is real.  The sineater takes in all of it…the pain of unresolved wrongs, the fear of the loss of what is known and the uncertainty of moving forward into what is not known…he takes all of it and gives back a pure vision of possibility…possibility of a life lived free of this sickness.  This is the work of the sineater…and it always comes at a cost.

There are two paths: one toward mindlessness and the other toward mindfulness.  This is an important divergence to understand.  It involves some non-intuitive reasoning.  The path of mindlessness occurs within the context of a hectic, defined, mutli-tasking, very full existence.  The overabundant noise of this path serves to dull the senses and create a mindless state–a nullification of the critical thinking resources of human cognition.  The path of mindfullness is a reconsideration of what is important to focus on–it involves practice that mitigates the noise of the world and enables the mind to be filled with esoteric considerations.  These are the considerations that can yield true insight.